I wanted to be free, I had never felt so suffocated in my life. Waking up everyday wishing you would just die was no way to live. I was blessed with Amrit (baptism) aged 14, I quickly rose through the social ranks and was instructed by the Panj Piyare (baptists) to keep Sarbloh bebeik rehit.
Age 17 I started to realise I could no longer repress my sexuality and I began to have fun at college. An accidental drink here, a bite of some meat there. I fell into this vicious trap of self-loathing and presenting myself for peshi (confessional) several times. But what was I going for? I would avoid the topic of sexuality when confessing my sins. No one spoke about sexuality, and any attempts to talk about it were shot down by homophobic Sikhs.
I regressed into dark holes for several years and would drink and take a cocktail of drugs, several months later I would try and fill this void with Sangat and Simran. All the time just asking for death to come to me. There were times when I would get drunk, take as many hits of cocaine and ecstasy, write suicide notes and drink even more wishing I would die in my sleep. Aged 20, I had enough and could not take it anymore.
I was outed to my family before I could do it myself. “it’s not natural”, “what’re we going to do?”, “what will the family say?”, “how can I tell my brothers?”, “you can’t be a Singh anymore!”, “You’ve ruined our honour”, “If you had said earlier, we could have dealt with this better” …. For another 2 years I spent my time kissing ass and trying to please everyone. No matter what I did, I couldn’t do right. My entire life was up for discussion, no part of my life was private anymore. I wanted to ‘come out’ for freedom but I was being stuffed back into the closet, “you’re dressed too gay”, “your pagh is too big”, “why you are reading paath for?”.
At 22 I snapped and fought back, “who the fuck are you to make me feel like this?!”. Bit by bit I argued back and fought for my freedom within my family till my mum went from saying my ‘friend’ to boyfriend and telling everyone about how she was proud of her son. I still comply with some of her silliness when it comes to extended family because I have been left to flourish and grow in my own ways
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