Growing up, I did struggle with my sexuality. My family never really talked about sexuality -I guess they just assumed their kids would end up "normal". When I Realised I was queer, at first the only issue I saw was that society in general was fucked, not my religion or culture. But when talking to my mum about sexuality I realised that I had a lot more shit to deal with. I've always hated hiding who I am but this was probably one of the first things I had to keep from those I thought cared about me. It really fucks you up, you know. I remember talking about sexuality and Sikhi in RE and one of the things someone mentioned was that all gurus married women – they were straight so we should be, too. “Nah, fuck that shit”. That was my first though. They never discriminated on anything; gender, caste, religion – the gurus didn’t give a fuck so why would they hate me for being queer? So in a way, Sikhi helped me accept myself. It also helped with accepting that I wasn’t cis- the soul has no gender so thus I felt I had none in my physical mind either.
I eventually came out to my mother and she ignored me. That shit fucking stung but I wasn’t sad, I was furious. Like, who the fuck is she to tell me I can’t be queer when the religion she’s brought me up with ain’t done none of that shit? Eventually she came around but I realised soon id have to hide myself from my family and relatives – this only became more apparent when I met another man who claimed to be a strict Sikh. He told me if I married a woman in a Gurdwara I’d be insulting the religion. That I can’t shake off and had I not been at work I probably would’ve gone off on his dusty ass. After that though, it became a lot more apparent how much I have to hide from the community if I want to be accepted. Its funny, isn’t it? The queer community can be so racist and anti-religion but then the Sikh and Punjabi community is so homophobic. It really fucks you up cos you know what, I ain’t got no place to go; I ain’t got no community where I feel welcome