Dealing and coming to terms as to who I am has been a very long and difficult path. When I look back, at the age of 11 was when I first realised that I had an attraction to guys. I decided to ignore it thinking it was a "phase". As I went through high school it became much more apparent I was attracted to guys. I made the mistake in thinking taking amrit would stop these thoughts and attractions. But how is something natural, to be removed?
Being gay started affecting me mentally by the time I was 16 and starting A levels. I felt so alone and upset about who I was. I thought it was my bad karam that made me have this "disease" as I saw it. I had lost friends due to trust issues and became very depressed and started thinking about suicide.
The day I was going to end it all was the slowest day in my life. But when it came to it I couldn't do it. I found other singhs who were in a similar boat as me where I found some comfort. At this point I was comfortable as being bi because that way it would least affect me in the eyes of the world. However I was still lying to myself.
The stress and anxiety made me ill very often and affected my education. Hearing people's comments about gays really hit me at times especially those who were close. As time went I was stuck in a place where I took each day as it came.
Uni had started and the most unexpected thing happened. I found people who were straight who had a view which really comforted me and made me realise my truth. They didn't judge me and saw no problem with a singh being gay and amritdhari. This was a major turning point for me. I became more happy and content in my life. I was smiling and felt wanted and appreciated. This weight had been lifted off my shoulders. If only I had this support from the start so I would not experience such terrible pain.
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